Bubba Fett's Cracklins

Blow'd Up

Even before my unintentionally long absence from this blog, I have never been a fan of the New England Patriots, so yesterday's shellacking at the hands of the Steelers was joy to my eyes.

Like a chewy Rachmaninoff piano concerto, there was one moment of ecstasy that stood out in this submission contest: Saint Wes of the Welker, patron of Godsmack-cranking, generic-tatted Masshole yobs from Medford to Quincy, got blow'd the fuck up by Steelers safety Ryan Clark. The Wellllkaaaaahh did not return to the game after getting hit so hard his momma back in Texas felt it.

Check out the beauty over at Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Wake Up, Food Animals!

Bubba Fett's New Rule: If the American people let the White House and Congress give the telecommunications industry blanket immunity for their illegal warrantless spying on our phone conversations, no one gets to bitch about privacy again.

I mean NEVER EVER again.

This should be an open and shut bipartisan outrage that has godbags and baby killers standing shoulder-to-shoulder. This should be an issue that infuriates both conservatives and liberals equally.

Note the repeat appearance of the word "should". Why? Because apparently a majority of the voting public doesn't give a toss that their government spies on their phone calls.

What Did You Expect, Witty Repartee?

Oh ho! Those silver-tongued Okie squatters have brought Bubba Fett out of the wilderness to blog once more:

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) — To some Oklahoma football fans, there are things that just aren't done in the heart of Sooner Nation, and one of them is to walk into a bar wearing a Texas Longhorns T-shirt.

That's exactly what touched off a bloody skirmish that left a Texas-shirt-wearing fan nearly castrated and an Oklahoma fan facing aggravated assault charges that could put him in prison for up to five years.

The shocking case has set off a raging debate in this football-crazed region about the extreme passions behind a bitter rivalry. Some legal observers have even questioned whether this case could ever truly have an impartial jury.

-snip-

Impartial jury? Are you kidding? This is Oklahoma, the place where jury instructions are still delivered in Crayola-drawn pictures. Ever seen Idiocracy? Here's the pertinent clip if you dare glance directly into the crossed, bloodshot eyes of Oklahoma justice:

But wait...the Bevo pies and Sooner drool get even deeper! Here's what leaves Bubba Fett scratching his helmet:

-snip-

Thomas told police that when he decided to leave and went to the bar to pay his tab, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn't let go, even as bar patrons tried to break it up. When the two men were separated, Thomas looked down and realized the extent of his injuries.

"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."

It took more than 60 stitches to close the wound, and police interviewed Thomas at a nearby hospital emergency room.

-snip-

Beckett, a 53-year-old church deacon, federal auditor and former Army combat veteran, has pleaded not guilty. His next court appearance comes Oct. 4, two days before the Sooners and Horns tangle in their annual football game at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas.

Thomas, who once lived in Houston and became a Texas fan during the heyday of star running back Earl Campbell, is still recovering from his injuries but has returned to work as a meat cutter at a Sam's Club warehouse store.

Like Beckett and Thomas, many fans of the two college squads never attended either university, but have come to identify so closely with these teams that they attach banners to their cars, wear team colors on game day and even have programmed their car horns to play school fight songs.

-snip-

Does it sound kind of weird to you that a fifty-something church deacon would literally rip the balls off another man over a college t-shirt when neither of these schlubs even attended either UT or OU?

Welcome to Oklahoma.

CheneyDroid Firmware Upgrade: Successful

The CheneyDroid apparently had his firmware upgraded earlier today.

Merry Snitchmas

...and a happy 3-to-5 years, Ookie!

RICHMOND, Va. -- One of Michael Vick's co-defendants doesn't want to wait for trial.

   Instead, a plea agreement hearing has been scheduled for Tony Taylor at 9 a.m. Monday in the federal dogfighting conspiracy case.

Taylor's hearing was added to U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson's docket Friday, a day after he and the other three defendants pleaded not guilty before the same judge. Vick and the others still are scheduled for trial Nov. 26.

-snip-

Try Hanging Me, Motherfucker

This is your whippet.

This is your whippet on the clear.

Any questions?

The Answer is "Snitchmas"

For 30 years in the Federal pen, Alex...the question is:

"What holiday will Michael Vick's two co-defendants trample one another to celebrate first?"

Don't Hurt Your Hoo-Ha

Andy Dick once paid Jabba $1000 to have me freeze him in carbonite so that people would talk about him. Jabba almost ate him, mistaking him for one of those little Muppet-looking things he used to eat.

Jon Lovitz has the right idea, smashing Andy Dick's face into a bar four or five times. Where I take exception to Lovitz's treatment of Dick is here:

-snip-

Last year, Lovitz related, a drunken Dick strolled up to his table at Ago in West Hollywood, rudely downed his guests' peach liqueur drinks, and "looked at me and said, 'I put the "Phil Hartman hex" on you - you're the next one to die.' I said, 'What did you say?' and he repeated it. I wanted to punch his face in, but I don't hit women."

-snip-

Quit insulting the women, Jon. Andy Dick isn't a woman...he's a coke-inhaling rodent without the scruples.

Some Folks Just Don't Get It

As the magnificently coiffed Eddie Izzard once asked, "Do you have a flag?"

To recap: City banning the rental of properties to illegal immigrants now finds it has a negative reputation for doing so. The solution? In a jingoistic paen that would have made Lee Atwater vomit, certain residents of Farmer's Branch want to "solve" their "image problem" by flying gigantic American flags at a patriotic-themed park and have patriotic festivals.

Why am I not surprised that a city trying to make cheap labor into someone else's problem thinks that "clap louder" can actually be considered sane public policy?

Gen Y: More Useless Than Tits On A Rancor

From the Land Down Under comes word that the Gen Yers are, in fact, quite useless (emphasis mine):

Employers say Gen-Ys are short on skills, demanding, impatient and far from loyal.

The deep ambivalence of small-to-medium employers (SME) towards Gen-Ys, those born between 1977 and 1992 and now aged 15 to 30, is revealed in the latest SME Opinion Leaders poll, a survey of 315 SME owners across the country conducted by SmartCompany in conjunction with Roy Morgan Research and Dun & Bradstreet.

Poor spelling and grammar and failure to understand what constitutes appropriate corporate behaviour are the biggest bugbears, with almost 70 per cent of surveyed employers reporting dissatisfaction with Gen-Y employees' performance in those areas.

The communication skills of Gen-Y staff disappointed 48 per cent of employers, while 37 per cent complain Gen-Ys lack acceptable technical skills.

But, it seems, Gen-Ys either don't know or don't care about their employers' lack of enthusiasm.

-snip-

Hello? Solution, anyone? Clone yourself thousands of times over and train your clones in the ways of military operations from Day 1.

Am I the only one who's thought of this? Screw those bratty hipster bags. We'll see how well they display fashion irony when they're frozen in carbonite, bitches!